How Important is Effective Communication in Marriage?
We all know how fragile relationships are, and marriage is no exception. It’s like a team sport. We win together, or we lose together. And the key to success is effective communication in marriage.
Hi, I’m Michael Cohen, a seasoned divorce mediator from Chicago’s Lake Forest. For over 32 years, I have seen firsthand that communication is what holds relationships together. And it’s not just about avoiding divorce – it’s about creating a partnership where both thrive.
Even though I’m a divorce mediator, I aim to do more than facilitate agreements. If desired, I not only assist couples in peacefully parting ways but also provide them with strategies to enhance their relationship before they commit to divorce or to enhance their communication and ability to co-parent post-divorce.
Today, I want to share game-changing tips to help you and your partner communicate better.
Why is this Important?
According to Dr. Cortney Warren, a Harvard-trained psychologist, couples who communicate effectively are more successful than most and are likely to have a fulfilling relationship. That’s huge!
Let’s start with the common issues: poor communication, money fights, housework battles, lack of trust, keeping score, and expecting unrealistic things from your partner. Sound familiar?
I’ve observed that these are the top reasons couples divorce. Most of these problems stem from misunderstandings and poor communication.
How Do We Fix This?
We are all unique individuals. Each of us has different strengths and weaknesses, and our partner, who spends the most time with us, is likely to address them.
It’s natural that your partner needs to be your number one priority, so it’s helpful to realize your flaws as early as possible and fix them to enjoy a smooth marriage.
#1. Practice Worthwhile Daily Dialogue
First up is daily dialogue. Ask your partner meaningful questions every day.
“How was your day?” just doesn’t cut it.
Try:
- “What made you smile today?”
- “What’s been on your mind lately?”
- “What was the best part of your day?”
Such open-ended questions get the conversation flowing and encourage to give and get specific answers – not generalizations. Questions can be about anything – romantic gestures, parenting, work-related, etc.
#2. Provide Your Undivided Attention
When you are listening, give your full attention. Put down the phone and make eye contact. It shows you care and also builds intimacy.
#3. Avoid Criticism
It’s easy to point fingers, but it rarely helps. Instead, focus on the positives, like:
A research by Gottman Institute says that couples that are happy have a ratio of 5:1 of positive to negative interactions. That means for every negative comment, you need five positive ones to balance it out.
#4. Work as a Team
When problems arise, focus on finding a solution or being emotionally supportive. Work together to solve deeper issues; don’t just complain about them. And if need be, don’t be afraid to seek professional help.
Moreover, disagreements are normal. Dr. John Gottman’s research reveals that 69% of relationship conflicts remain unresolved. The key is to manage these conflicts with understanding, not eliminate or disregard them.
#5. Enjoy your Individuality
Having personal hobbies and interests is crucial. Maintain balance and reciprocity in your relationship. Give more, or at least as much as you take.
#6. Show Your Love
Small gestures help. A cup of coffee in the morning, a quick text during the day, a simple “thank you” – these little acts of kindness and appreciation go a long way.
Don’ts of Effective Communication
Don’t:
- Blame
- Interrupt
- Use absolutes like “always” or “never.”
- Make assumptions
- Bring up past issues
- Threaten or use silence as punishment.
Practical Tips to Enhance Communication
- Spend quality offline time together.
- Be interesting and interested (engage in meaningful conversations). Go beyond the surface with thoughtful questions.
- Support your partner’s interests.
- Learn new things together (take up new activities as a couple).
- Use humor to keep the spark and give compliments regularly.
Pro Tips to Strengthen Your Marriage
- Be trustworthy; it’s the foundation of any relationship.
- Establish common ground – Find shared values and interests to connect over.
- Create a “love map.” Know your partner deeply – likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears.
- Share dreams and goals – Plan your future together.
- Value the little moments – Enjoy the small joys together.
- Use soft startups for difficult conversations. “I feel…” instead of “You always…” and keep it gentle to avoid defensiveness.
- Allow yourself to be influenced by being open to your partner’s ideas.
- Give constructive feedback without negative emotions.
And when it comes to tough conversations, stay on topic, respect different perspectives, and find mutual solutions. At the end of the day, it’s not about winning but about understanding.
Final Thoughts
Remember, effective communication is about appreciating each other’s perspectives and handling them in a healthy way. Building a strong, communicative relationship takes work, but it’s worth it. Keep at it, be patient with each other, and don’t be afraid to seek help if you need it.
Author: Michael Cohen
Michael Cohen is a certified divorce mediator from Northwestern University in Chicago and a CPA from the University of Illinois. He brings 34 years of successful mediation experience to his practice, and his extensive expertise makes him a trusted professional in the field.
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